"It's The Principle"
- Joshua U.
- 5 days ago
- 9 min read
addressing the phenomenon of "principle" — and why such a seemingly simple concept can cause incredible disconnects in interpersonal relationships
principle (n)
a fundamental truth or proposition that serves as the foundation for a system of belief or behavior or for a chain of reasoning
a rule or belief governing one's personal behavior
Friday (1995)
I'm always good for a dating analogy: say you're in a relationship and you let your partner know that you'll be going out to the clubs that evening. You agree with your partner before you leave the crib that you're going to keep them updated every step of the way when you've arrived someplace, when you're leaving said place, and on-and-on until you'll ultimately let them know when you're on the way home. You're already sharing locations with one another, but this is an added boundary that your partner's requested to have them feeling more secure & safe about the night.
Through the first couple stops of the night, you've been on point with keeping your partner posted on your comings & goings. No problems, all peace. But you keep drinking, keep smoking, and keep turning up, getting more lax as the night goes on. Before you know it, you haven't checked in with your partner in over 2 hours.
Shamar Moore, Soul Train, TV show (1971-2006)
You feel a little guilty, but at least you have the option to stay present at the club and drink & dance the stress away. As stated before, your partner's got your location, so it's not like they're completely in the dark about where you are and what you're doing.
Another hour passes and you still haven't checked in with your boo. But at least you're on the way home now. Soon enough, you'll be home safe and sound, and you're certain that that's all that matters to them in the end.
You walk through the door and... your partner's furious. You don't really understand why, though. You state to them that you didn't do flirt, cheat, or do anything to put yourself or the relationship at risk. Plus, your location was being tracked the entire time, so you're not really comprehending what the big deal is.
They go on to explain that that's not their point of contention with the situation. It's not that they were worried that you'd do something that would hurt them. It's simply... the principle.
It's the fact that they asked you to do something that was simple enough to do, and there was little effort on your part to follow through. On top of that, you expressed ignorance when the topic was breached. They emphasize that one of the main reasons why they're so upset is that if the tables were turned, they would place so much intent on following through on the "check-in" request because it meant that much to you. They would've treated you as well as they seek to treat themselves, because that's just who they are.
And now you kinda feel like an asshole.
Drake, Tyra Banks: 'Child's Play' music video (2016)
A Self-Created, Principled World
Happy New Year! We're 6 days into 2026 and I find myself in a resolute state of mind, as I'm sure most others do as well.
As the theme when entering a new year typically involves closing the book on the year that just concluded, I've instead been stuck in a loop of persistent reflection on what 2025 was for me (and my mental health). It hasn't quite been rumination. It's more like a.... never-ending hamster wheel full of millions of thoughts racing through my mind.
Overall, though: this past year was a really good one for me, no question. I finished 2025 in a much better place than how I started it, which I guess is all you can really ask for in totality. Within my relentless cycle of thoughts, I landed on a very interesting reason for this.
Falling-outs.
a falling out (phrasal verb, idiom)
a severe quarrel or disagreement, especially one that leads to a temporary or permanent end of a relationship.
Yeah, I fell out with a shit-ton of people this year. Friends, coworkers, acquaintances, even some family members. And somehow, I feel that I'm much better for it in the aftermath.
Now, I know what you're thinking. It's something along the lines of "hey dickhead, if you keep falling out with everyone around you, at what point do you realize that you might be the problem?"
To that, I'll have you know that — unfortunately — I''m already my worst critic due to the large current of negative self-talk that floods my mind much more often than I'd like to admit. I have made plenty of mistakes; loud ones. I remind myself about them every waking hour of every waking day. So, what do you have to say now?
In all seriousness, yes. I'm fully aware that I am the absolute furthest thing from being the perfect person. But the one thing I've consistently been able to hang my hat on more often than not is... the principle.
Bob's Burgers, TV show (2011-present)
I'm certain that you've heard the phrase before. "It's the principle of the matter." It mainly relates to a person's outlook on a situation based on their moral code & values. The issue here is that morals and values range widely & even wildly from person to person. So while one's "principle" may seem entirely just to themselves, it can sound & seem irrational to the person(s) they're in conflict with.
"The principle" in one situation can be completely black and white through an objective lens, while in another situation it can be very nuanced and complex.
For the purpose of the remainder of this piece, though: let's separate everyone into two categories. A person can either be principled OR non-principled (situational).
In other words, you either got a code or don't got a code.
The Wire, TV show (2002-2008)
Think of a principled person as one that consistently refers to their own code of conduct from situation to situation. Regardless of the context, they are steadfast in sticking to their values and making decisions based off of those values. While this type of person can garner strong amounts of respect due to their overall stability and reliability... they can also fall victim to some resentment and envy (more on that later).
A non-principled, situational person, adversely, is one whose decisions and behavior is almost always tied to the circumstances of the situations they find themselves in. This is a much easier, simpler way to live life. "What will get me the best short-term satisfaction in a given moment?" This is NOT to say that a non-principled, situational person is entirely void of any moral code... they're just more apt to play by society's rules.
A principled person looks inward to inform their decision making, while a situational person lives in a survival-of-the-fittest manner... which isn't necessarily a bad thing. It can just get real problematic, real fast. Framing "principled vs non-principled" as "good people vs bad people" would be wildly unfair; that ain't what I'm trying to do. The main difference is the level of thoughtfulness & morality one uses in their general decision-making.
By this point, I'm sure you can understand why these two types of people can clash so significantly when conflict rears its head between them.
Remember the 'fall-outs' that I referenced earlier? If you've ever said "it's the principle" in the middle of an argument, only for your point to get violently misunderstood and disregarded, I feel your pain. If this has happened to you as a first-generation American child in a family full of stubborn, bullheaded immigrants... I relate to your pain.
When you deal with enough of that, a breaking point is reached eventually. From there, you figure a way to separate from people that have repeatedly shown that they've committed themselves to thinking about conflict in a structurally & fundamentally different way than you do.
That aforementioned breaking point can take longer to arrive for a certain group of people, however. Shout out to all my people-pleasers out there.
If you're a principled people-pleaser, I'm already knowing that your internal dialogue gets real, real convoluted. I can speak from personal experience. You have your strict set of boundaries and values, but you also don't want to disappoint or alienate people. As a result, you engage in mental gymnastics to figure out a way to compromise on your own code.
What I will say is this: principled people? They take a whole lot of arrows from the outside, while simultaneously negotiating internally between who they are and who they're afraid to disappoint.
Every Code's Got A Cost
Imagine feeling so passionately about an issue that you feel violated a certain principle (i.e., the "checking-in" relationship example I mentioned earlier), only to have that issue reduced to:
"relax, calm down..."
"you're too intense about this"
or, my personal favorite:
"it's not that deep."
This is where the proverbial "fork in the road" comes in for the principled person.
You've made your point and explained your reasoning. The person you're in conflict with has just signaled to you that it's not nearly that serious in their view.
So, your next move? You can either betray yourself and your core principles…
Or you can “stand on business” and risk damaging your friendship, relationship, etc in the process.
It’s not that simple of a choice for most. Principled people can find themselves being isolated a lot due to fall-outs with people. Adversely, people on the other side of this ledger can live in this cognitively dissonant space where deep down they’re unhappy due to their principles not being valued adequately, but at the same time forcing themselves to be content and “chill” to preserve relationships.
This goes back to another article I wrote a couple weeks ago to mental-ity on what it really means to be alone or lonely. Principled people may find themselves alone more often than non-principled people in the physical sense, but they find comfort in the fact that they’re at psychological peace with themselves.
While American psychologist Leon Festinger birthed the theory of cognitive dissonance, it is American psychologist Lawrence Kohlberg who invented another theory that is extremely relevant to this conversation: the theory of the stages of moral development.
Lawrence Kohlberg (Oct. 1927-Jan. 1987)
I don’t want to bore you with all the details, but the basic summary is that Kohlberg separated morality into six steps that fall into three categories: preconventional, conventional and postconventional morality.
The 3 categories and 6 steps within Kohlberg's theory of the stages of moral development.
Preconventional morality is the category that essentially all non-principled/situational people fall into.
Conventional morality is a step up from preconventional morality that’s based more on what what society deems to be okay.
Postconventional morality is where most principled people fall — they almost always choose ethics above societal norms or situational morality.
Which all kinda blows my "two category" take out of the water. But who are you going to rely on more: me, or the accredited, revolutionary psychologist?
Let's Wrap
So what's left to say that hasn't been said here yet?
Principled people may have a more developed and reliable moral code, but unfortunately that doesn't make them the most popular group of people walking around. If it's not the constant fall-outs they go through, or feeling misunderstood all the time, it's also the "you think you're better than me/too good for us" vibe they receive from people as well.
Curb Your Enthusiasm, TV show (2000-2024)
As a... part-time principled person, I can speak to the fact that it's not an easy life to lead. But a theme I've explored often here on mental-ity is that everything that living a mentally healthier life entails is on the other side of difficult.
We've discussed how sticking to your principles can lead to some stress and loneliness. But that's all in the short-term. Plus, if you believe strongly enough in your principles & your code of living, and you fall out with an influx of people as a result... some might consider that "the trash taking itself out."
The people that are willing to work with you and your principle are the ones that more-or-less deserve to stay in your life. That ones that get upset that you aren't as "laid-back" and "chill" as they'd like could just be upset that they can't bend you to their will how they'd otherwise want to.
People like being comfortable. To reiterate from the cognitive dissonance piece once more: our brains are literally wired to always pursue inner comfortability. Part of that comfortability for a lot of people includes wanting the freedom to do whatever they want to without facing any accountability.
And that's what a principled person does. They demand accountability out of others because they demand accountability from themselves.
