Postpartum Depression
- NikiMarie
- Sep 18
- 6 min read
(!) Trigger warning: This post discusses self-harm and suicide. If you are struggling, you're not alone. If you are in immediate danger, please contact your local emergency services.
If you are in the United States, you can call or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. If you are outside the U.S., please contact your local health services or search for crisis lines in your country.
Postpartum depression (PPD) is a serious and relatively common mental health condition that can occur after childbirth. It affects up to 15% of women. It goes far beyond the temporary “baby blues” that many new parents experience and can profoundly affect a parent’s emotions, thoughts, and ability to function in daily life.
When the term postpartum comes up, most people imagine sleepless nights, constant feedings, and the challenge of adjusting to life with a newborn. While these are normal aspects of early parenthood, postpartum depression presents a much darker reality for some.
In extreme cases, untreated PPD can have tragic consequences. One of the most shocking examples in recent history occurred on June 20, 2001, when a Texas mother drowned her five children in a bathtub while her husband was at work. Investigations later revealed that she had a long, documented history of severe postpartum depression and postpartum psychosis, including multiple hospitalizations, suicide attempts, and extensive psychiatric treatment.
Andrea Yates was found not guilty (by reason of insanity) in Houston court of drowning her children in a bathtub. The case shed light on the very serious pitfalls of PPD.
Stories like this are alarming, yet they serve as stark reminders that postpartum mental health challenges can affect anyone, regardless of background or circumstance.
PPD can manifest in many ways. Parents may experience persistent sadness, emptiness, or irritability; a loss of joy or interest in previously meaningful activities; overwhelming guilt; anxiety; or panic attacks. Bonding with the baby may feel difficult or even impossible, and sleep or appetite patterns can change dramatically. In severe cases, thoughts of self-harm or harming one’s child may arise, highlighting the critical need for awareness, early intervention, and support.
Many parents believe they are immune to postpartum depression. They may feel inherently suited to motherhood, confident in their ability to manage the challenges of raising a child, and convinced that nothing like PPD could happen to them. Yet, postpartum depression does not discriminate. It can affect anyone, regardless of personality, preparation, or past experiences.
For some, the onset of PPD coincides with an overwhelming desire to be the perfect parent, the ultimate protector who shields their child from any harm. While this instinct is rooted in love, it can quickly become obsessive, accompanied by intense fear and anxiety. A parent who has multiple children may become hyper-focused on one child, often at the expense of other children or family members. This imbalance can create feelings of guilt, confusion, and shame, leaving parents unsure of why they struggle to care equally for all their children.
Postpartum depression is often treated with psychotherapy — also called talk therapy or mental health counseling — medicine or both. - MAYO CLINIC
My story with postpartum depression is one I never thought I would live to share. I had experienced the emotional side of postpartum, the constant crying, the confusion, and the terrifying thoughts of not knowing if I might harm myself or my child. I went through the ups and downs of suicidal ideation, and it was affecting me so deeply that I did not even understand what was happening to me.
I thought I was being a good mom, but not a perfect one. I also wondered if I had gotten pregnant too soon because my kids were born just 18 months apart. I did not follow the precautions my OB had suggested about giving myself enough time to adjust to motherhood. I did not have all the help in the world, and it was a huge adjustment.
At the time, my husband and I were living in a two-bedroom apartment in Brooklyn. When we got pregnant with our daughter, he did not want to settle for another apartment. He wanted a home. We ended up moving in with his parents in their three-bedroom house. It was enough space for us and the kids temporarily, but I felt like the responsibility on me grew heavier. I was cleaning a three-story home, caring for two children, traveling between Long Island and Manhattan for work, and trying to hold everything together. I was stretched too thin with the cooking, the cleaning, the working, and the kids. I had even stopped school, and in my head, I felt like I was failing or holding myself back for the sake of others.
When my daughter was born three weeks early, I was not prepared the way I had been with my son. I felt like I cried about almost everything; my breast pump didn’t work properly, we didn’t have enough diapers and the house was a mess. I didn’t know how to change her diaper at first. I just remember putting her in the bath tub every time she pooped. My husband and I were already tired of living at his parents’ house, and soon the tension between us grew worse. It felt like postpartum depression was just waiting for its moment to take hold of me.
I thought asking for help made me seem weak. I don’t remember every detail, but I do remember being emotional all the time. Eventually, I went to see a therapist. I would sit in her office and cry nonstop. She would ask me, “What is making you cry?” Like a child, I would just say, “I don’t know.” Her office became the one place I allowed myself to release everything, because outside of it I felt like I had to be strong.
After a while, she referred me to a psychiatrist, who diagnosed me with postpartum depression and social anxiety. I was prescribed Zoloft, starting at 25mg once a day. When that did not work, the dose was increased to 50mg. My therapist explained that I was experiencing a chemical imbalance caused by the dramatic rise of hormones during pregnancy and the sudden drop after giving birth. That shift can trigger postpartum depression or anxiety in some women.
Zoloft (brand name for sertraline) is an SSRI used to treat a wide range of mental health conditions.
Out of this depression, I learned that talking was my therapy. In 2018, about three years after my diagnosis, I started a podcast as a form of self-care to help me in between the times I was not going to therapy. By then, I had already been on Zoloft for about a year from 2014 to 2015. I stopped taking it cold turkey, even though I had been told I needed to gradually lower my dosage. I didn’t do that. I was always a little hard-headed. So I started NikiMarie Radio with episodes I called Voice Journal. At first, I had no intentions of bringing on guests, but in 2019 I started inviting them, including therapists. We had open conversations about why therapy should be celebrated, especially in Black and Brown communities.
When the pandemic hit, I started to feel depression creeping back in. Around 2021, I joined with others to prepare for a global mental health summit. The goal was to spark dialogue around mental health during the pandemic, a time when so many people were desperate for connection and healing.
I wish more women talked openly about PPD. Too many stay silent because of stigma, fear of judgment, pressure to be the “perfect mom,” or simply not understanding what is happening to them. Feelings of guilt, shame, or fear of losing support make it even harder to speak up. But the truth is postpartum depression is common, treatable, and never a reflection of a woman’s worth as a mother.
Recovery often begins with recognition and acceptance of the problem. Seeking therapy or professional help can provide crucial support and guidance for understanding and addressing the emotional turmoil of PPD. In some cases, time away from work or other responsibilities is necessary to focus on mental health and healing. Treatment can include therapy, medication, support groups, and self-care strategies aimed at restoring emotional balance and strengthening family relationships.
With proper care, parents can gradually regain stability, rebuild connections with their children, and learn to navigate the demands of parenthood without being overwhelmed by fear or obsession. Postpartum depression is a serious condition, but it is not a permanent one. With awareness, support, and treatment, recovery is possible, and parents can return to experiencing the joy, love, and fulfillment that parenthood is meant to bring.
