The Weird Girl Feels First - Gallery from Ny

Growing up in white spaces, I was always seen as the weird black girl.

I didn’t wash my hair every day so I was obviously gross.

I bought my clothes from Savers so I was obviously poor.

I didn’t have a Vera Bradley backpack, so I was obviously not that cool.

And I didn’t have light eyes or porcelain skin, so of course I was obviously ugly.

I did everything to fit in. I bought the fake brands, I straightened my hair every day until I turned 18, I stayed out of the sun so I wouldn't get even 1 shade darker. I talked like them, I watched them, I copied them, I so desperately wanted to be them.

Integrating myself into black spaces, I was seen as the weird black girl.

I straightened my hair so I was clearly white washed.

I knew very little to no black references so I was clearly uncultured.

I only had white friends so I was clearly one of those.

I did everything to grow in. I shaved my head, I caught up on all the black films and musicians I possibly could, I reached out to black girls in my neighborhood online. I admired them, I embraced them, I desperately wanted to be like them.

These three self-portraits mark the first time I’ve picked up my camera in years.

For so long, I was stuck in a debilitating cycle of caring too much about how people perceive me and in return, I hid my artist.

I dimmed the part of me that’s loud, expressive, emotional, WEIRD… the part of me that feels first.

I guess this is me coming back to myself.

Whether I have to scream and throw things to get there,

or float off into the abyss with my dreams and thoughts.

And in this beautiful weirdness, I am finally home.