The People-Pleasing Project, Vol. 3: Survival Mode

survival mode: brought on by "prolonged stress to the degree that a person feels that they cannot relax and parts of their brain associated with fear are overactive." — Charlie Health [1]

INDEX:

1. "I Will Survive"

2. Survival Mode, Socially

3. An Honest Word to the People-Pleaser

A people-pleaser is someone who is emotionally driven to please and appease others within their orbit, but at the expense of their own needs, desires, happiness, and inevitably, mental health.

The People-Pleasing Project has multiple podcasts and journal entries: tap this link for more info.

While the anatomy of a people-pleaser includes a multitude of traits, habits, and psychological roots, the two most prominent psychological roots of a people-pleaser in my estimation (as NikiMarie and I discussed on the first podcast episode within this project) are conflict avoidance and fear of rejection/need for approval. These two roots cultivate the consistent feeling that every social interaction needs to be "survived" and "endured" vs just simply lived, which can shoehorn a people-pleaser into a frustrating behavioral loop called survival mode.

Illustration of survival mode. JEFFERSON CENTER

Through the first two journal entries of this project, we've discussed two aspects of people-pleasing: people-pleasing within the creative realm and the battle of emotionally-abusive "dog-whistling" behavior that people-pleasers can face within their interpersonal relationships.

As mentioned earlier, NikiMarie and I have published two separate podcast discussions as part of this project: the first one discussing the major psychological roots of people-pleasing behavior and the latest one breaking down the "freeze vs fawn" dynamic.

The "flight vs fight" and "freeze vs fawn" dynamics all exist under the trauma response umbrella. But these are all quick, "in-the-moment" trauma responses can that take place cyclically during a more long-form, extended machine of a trauma response. That trauma response is the aforementioned survival mode.

"I Will Survive"

If you're a person of any culture, the lyrics you're hearing right now are that of Gloria Gaynor's 1978 hit, "I Will Survive". Did your mom use to have this track, among others, playing on the speakers during a Saturday morning deep clean at the house, or did you not have a childhood?

Okay, let me not mince words with this: the idea of survival mode is a bit polarizing within the psychology community. Why? Well, much like people-pleasing in general, it’s not an official, diagnosable mental health condition. With that being said, you’d be hard-pressed to find anyone that isn't living in some kind of "survival mode" right now.

I mean, to put it simply: the economy is in flux countrywide; historically so. I just bought gas for $5.10 a gallon the other day. That shit is stressful.

Inflation on full display at a Shell gas station in West Hartford, CT.

If you're someone that's attempted to apply for a job recently, that probably hasn't been that rewarding a process, either. And then when you factor in the trickle-down (no pun intended) effects of those financial stressors: scrambling to pay bills, lack of disposable income for preferred activities & creative endeavors, an uneasiness and insecurity about your current situation... it can be borderline impossible to relax.

If worry heats up the brain, then relaxation, in turn, cools it down. To put it in more biologically-coded words, the chronic stress keeps our nervous system in an extended, prolonged state of hyper-vigilance...

hyper-vigilance: a heightened state of sensory sensitivity and alertness where a person constantly scans their environment for signs of danger or threat, commonly associated with certain mental health conditions like anxiety and PTSD — per the American Psychiatric Association [2]

... which is much more associated with the art of survival vs restoration.

When in survival mode — using this logic — our brains get stuck in "worry mode" with not enough relaxing "coolant" to balance things out. If you've ever been in an overheating car, it puts you on high-alert, because you know what happens to your engine if you don't figure out a solution.

Moments before/during/after disaster.

If we stress our car's engine too much, the gasket eventually blows. So what happens to our brains when we're trapped in the stress pressure-cooker that is survival mode on a long-term basis?

The London Psychiatry Centre went a different route with their survival mode comparison. They liken survival mode to a computer in "safe mode." [3] (I raise the example of "low power mode" on our smartphones.) In short spurts, it can be managed. When used in the long-term? Probably gonna be some buffering going on.

"Sometimes traumatic events (for example an accident, an assault, bereavement or abuse) may trigger our brains to boot into survival mode, to simply get us through the threat.

On the other hand, survival mode isn’t always triggered by obviously traumatic events. Constant lower level stress for extended periods of time (for example through overworking or isolation through the pandemic) in which we are continually operating in fight or flight, can trigger survival mode. You may simply have been juggling too much for too long without enough self-care. Often, busy people don’t know they are heading for burnout until one day they realise they just don’t feel like themselves anymore." — London Psychiatric Centre

Spongebob, probably in a state of burnout.

Therein lies one of the nasty consequences of long-term survival mode: burnout.

Burnout: a state of emotional, mental, and physical exhaustion caused by prolonged, unrelieved stress, typically resulting in feelings of being drained, overwhelmed, and detached. – Psychology Today [4]

Prolonged stress beings about survival mode. Prolonged survival mode brings about burnout. And prolonged burnout? Life can begin to feel real, real desolate, and that's a very dangerous place to be.

Symptoms of survival mode, per the London Psychiatry Centre.

While we're on the subject: how might a constant current of these stressors and others affect someone socially? Well, it depends.

Survival Mode, Socially

Some may not be affected in social situations at all, as they view socializing as an escape from their troubles.

Others in survival mode may experience some erratic emotions which feeds into erratic behaviors when socializing. I once had a friend chastise me for inviting them to go out following a difficult emotional night, because, in their words, "If I don't have my shit together, I'm not going to feel comfortable being outside."

It was a very understandable premise, considering that, as we've already covered: outside is extremely expensive these days. In this scenario, though, a people-pleaser would still go out to avoid the risk of disappointing their friends.

Let's quickly revisit the definition of survival mode at the beginning of this work:

• survival mode is caused by "prolonged stress to the degree that a person feels that they cannot relax and parts of their brain associated with fear are overactive."

"parts of their brain associated with fear are overactive." That sounds a lot like anxiety, don't it?

Anxiety; Inside Out 2.

anxiety: an emotion characterized by apprehension and symptoms of tension in which an individual anticipates impending danger, catastrophe, or misfortune. The body often mobilizes itself to meet the perceived threat: Muscles become tense, breathing is faster, and the heart beats more rapidly.

An Honest Word to the People-Pleaser

To be a people-pleaser is to be an anxious wreck fairly often. Of course, the persistent ass-kissing, approval-seeking and conflict-avoiding might have something to do with that. A people-pleaser in social situations is never at equilibrium; they always carry this vibe, this aura (I'm trying, Gen Alpha) of frantic anxiety. And if it doesn't show directly on the outside, it's most certainly the case within their nervous system.

A wise man or woman once said the following: "you can't please everyone." But, damn it — a people-pleaser is absolutely going to try (and inevitably fail.)

It's unfortunate, but when most people observe a people-pleaser in action in a social setting, they can perceive the people-pleaser as "weak", "desperate". and even "pathetic." It's easy to understand why: doing for so many people at the expense of self isn't very self-respecting. It's the antithesis of it, actually. That's the entire reason why this project exists.

The key to overcoming people-pleasing; the key to breaking the nasty loop of survival mode is what's also the key to overcoming a vast number of negative mental health conditions: a heavy helping of self-care. And grace!

The grace begins with understanding why one has become a people-pleaser to begin with. As I discussed on a previous mental health project on this platform, humans' relationships with trauma is an unfair one but a crucial one to understand and attack. The things that happen to us that traumatize us (especially in youth) aren't our faults. But they are our burden to carry, so that the cycle and chain of trauma doesn't continue with negative behavioral manifestations exacted onto other people.

A people-pleaser who's self-aware that they're a people-pleaser likely despises the fact that they're a people-pleaser. If it were that easy to just wake up one day and simply cease being a people-pleaser, I'm sure they'd cut the trait out of their life completely at the snap of a finger. If only it was that simple. If only most mental health matters were that simple.

It takes real, grueling work to overcome people-pleasing habits. But the road to betterment starts with consistent self-care, which feeds into consistent self-respect.

It's a significant form of cognitive dissonance to not respect ourselves. That's in part where the saying, "no one will respect you if you don't respect yourself" comes from. In essence, it's true. People-pleasers get taken advantage of pretty easily because of this. Especially when in the throes of survival mode.

Self-awareness is a superpower when it comes to mental health and especially when it comes to people-pleasing. In the next journal entry in this project, we'll dive deeper into attachment styles within mental health; why they matter so much, and why being aware about your attachment style can change EVERYTHING for a people-pleaser in recovery.

The People-Pleasing Project is a 'mentality' production and discussion. Learn more about The Recess Bell's mental health hub here.

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[1] Fielding, Sarah. “Survival Mode.” Edited by Don Gasparini, Charlie Health, 15 Jan. 2024, www.charliehealth.com/post/survival-mode.

[2] Moore, Adam. “Hypervigilance in Adults: Symptoms, Causes, and Help.” Edited by Jemma Strain, Mission Connection Healthcare, 19 Mar. 2026, missionconnectionhealthcare.com/mental-health/physical-symptoms/hypervigilance/.

[3] “Survival Mode: What Is It and What to Do about It.” The London Psychiatry Centre , 24 July 2024, www.psychiatrycentre.co.uk/blog/am-i-in-survival-mode-how-to-know-and-what-to-do-about-it/#:~:text=SURVIVAL%20MODE%20AND,like%20themselves%20anymore.

[4] “Burnout.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/burnout. Accessed 12 May 2026.